A Daughter's Story

DAD HAS PASSED AWAY(MR. WRIGHT MARCH 1, 1935-SEPTEMBER 27, 2006)

GOOD MORNING TO EVERYONE OF YOU...

IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO WRITE THIS. MY SLEEP PATTERN IS OFF. I HAVE BEEN IN THIS CHAIR HALF OF THIS NIGHT. I WILL LAY DOWN IN A FEW MINUTES. I AM DEALING WITH SIBLINGS WHO DID NOTHING TO HELP ME WITH MY DAD AND NOT HE HAS NOT A BREATH OF LIFE IN HIM. HE HAS BEEN IN THE MORGUE SINCE WEDNESDAY. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL? I TOLD ALL OF YOU THAT SCHIZOPHRENIA WOULD TAKE A PERSON AWAY FROM HERE. OH, BUT SOME FOLKS DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

IT DOES NOT SEEM FAIR. MY OTHER HALF IS GONE. I FEEL EMPTY AND ALL ALONE. I COULD NOT HELP MY DAD IN THE FINAL CHAPTER OF HIS LIFE. HE DID NOT WANT TO BE HELPED. HIS FOOT BEING INFECTED HE COULD NO LONGER DEAL WITH. LIFE BECAME UNBEARABLE FOR HIM. HE COULD NOT DO ALL OF THE WALKING THAT HE HAD BECOME ADJUSTED TO DOING. HE COULD NO LONGER SEE ALL OF HIS FRIENDS DOWNTOWN IN THE STORES HE HAD MET, LOOKING FOR ME. HE HAD SUCH EXTREME MANIA SOMETIMES. I HAD TO STAY AWAY SOMETIMES FOR FEAR THE MANIA WOULD RUB OFF ON ME.

WELL, I NEED TO STAY ON THIS SITE A LITTLE LONGER TO GATHER ALL OF THE NOTES FROM MY PRIOR POSTS, TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE DISEASE IN BEHALF OF MY FATHER, TO WRITE MY BOOK ON BEHALF OF MY FATHER, THE MEMOIR THAT I HAD STARTED.

I THANK THE WEBMASTER(BRIAN) FOR ALLOWING ME SINCE 2004 TO KEEP THIS BLOG FOR NOW I KEEP FIVE BLOGS ON DIFFERENT SUBJECTS INCLUDING ONE ON BIPOLAR DISEASE FOR MYSELF. I WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE MY MEDICATIONS AS LONG AS I LIVE JUST AS I HAVE BEEN DOING. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE MY FATHER, HE WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART AS LONG AS I LIVE....LET ME MOURN A LITTE WHILE. I WILL BE BACK IN A FEW WEEKS. THE FUNERAL IS THIS WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4TH.

PEOPLE WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE TAKE YOUR MEDS, AND IF YOU ARE ON ABILIFY AND YOU NEED THAT, TAKE IT. IF YOU ARE ON ARICEPT, TAKE IT. CARETAKERS AND FAMILY MEMBERS ENCOURAGE YOUR LOVE ONES TO TAKE THEIR MEDS. SCHIZOPHRENIA EVENTUALLY TOOK MY DAD AWAY FROM HERE WHEN IT DID NOT HAVE TO. AND I DID NOT SAY GOOD BYE FOR I ALLOWED HIM TO PLAY THE ISOLATION GAME. (SEE PRIOR POST)

NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH (OCTOBER)

DAUGHTER FIRSTBORN (SHARON D. WRIGHT)

Isolation 101

There is nothing that i can say at this moment, other than i wanted to chime in and let you know that my father is completely isolating himself. He refuses to go to the doctor for his foot troubles, he refuses to take the medication and he is just all the way around disoriented. Yet, he can be very clever when he wants to be to try to insult one's intelligence. I can no longer reason with him at this point for he is a big boy and will only do what he wants to do. My uncle is helping him out a great deal and he tries to use him, but to no avail. We are hoping that one day, he comes to his senses, go into the hospital and let them begin the treatment again, then go into a residental home where the nurses give him the medication. I reside in a small apartment so i don't have the room for him. I know that when those voices start getting to him, he cannot take but so much. All i can do is hope and pray, concentrate on me, my schoolwork, my photography, my poetry and writings and my art. I cannot change him and I will not let him make my days unbearable. I help when i can but after that, it is all about me. No, it is not harsh, but if i let his stress kill me, he will be in the same way possibly and i am six feet under. No, he has lived his seventy-plus. People...let me stress it again..yeah, the broken record: TAKE YOUR MEDICATION, FOR IT MEANS YOUR LIFE!

until next time:
daughterfirstborn

schizosupportnews@yahoogroups.com (share your thoughts, poems, quotes,etc)for newsletter once a month

schizosupport@yahoogroups.com (share your triumphs, problems, concerning either you or family member)

Dad Needs Hospitalization

I really don't have an answer for the behavior that my dad is displaying other than he needs to be in the hospital. I have spoken with the medical and the crisis team that he deals with and there is nothing that they can do. So that leaves me at a standstill, not being able to do anything at all. Nothing but to go by and visit and see how he is doing. I am going by there today. I will update this entry later today when I am done with the day's activities.

daughterfirstborn

Cell Phone Days Over, New newsletter beginning starting May 2006

Hello everyone and good evening,

I am back to let you know that I miss all of you; however school is quite taxing right now. Those four classes require a lot of work and I am extremely busy. I am also busy trying to get the 100 poems together to send to a publisher who is willing to do a free review for me. So I am working on that as well. It is National Poetry Month and I am writing or reading a poem per day. Poetry is my lifeblood and keeps me going. I write poetry on every conceivable topic there is and that means the world to me.

My father no longer has the cell phone I told you about in March; that is exactly what happens when our illness gets out of control. My father feels that he does not need the meds for this illness. He used that cell phone until he could no longer use it. It simply went out of order, off, disconnected. I did recall telling him that a cell phone he would not be able to handle; because he could not handle a landline phone. He knew what was best for the seventy-one years that he is. He is older than daughterfirstborn. What do I know? I am a forty-seven year old daughter will be forty-eight next month. I have only taken dozens of psych courses, have plenty of books on the topic, belong to websites and well-informed.
I have a blog on schizophrenia.com that I have shared my experiences that I have with my father. O come on now. I don't have to have schizophrenia to know the signs of it going out of control. Yes, I have my own bi-polar illness to deal with and I refuse to let it get the better of me. I refuse to give up on life. I take my meds, see a therapist weekly, see the psychiatrist every month if needed or every other month, subscribe to bipolar websites and updates and I will not let anyone label or stigmatize you or I. I hope that my father has not come to that conclusion. Last time I saw him he was in a manic state, needing but refusing hospitalization. Now he is afraid I believe, staying off of his foot like he was told. His foot is another story that I won't get into today. He just needs to obey.

I hope that all of you are dealing with your situations very carefully. I hope that all meds are being taken and that all caretakers have a great measure of endurance. Patience is needed to make all things work out for the betterment of all concerned. May all of you continue to show love the best way that you know how. Schizophrenia is a real, medical and documented illness. Nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to joke about.

Starting the middle of May, there will be a newsletter at schizosupportnews@yahoogroups.com. This newsletter will be very encouraging to all of us. If any one of you would like to join, just go to schizosupportnews@yahoogroups. It is a newsletter that anyone of you can contribute if you would like. Experiences, quotes, facts, stories, poetry...whatever you have that is POSITIVE! It is not a group, the group is still listed, but this is the newsletter. So if you would like to contribute, welcome! If not, welcome! and enjoy reading the monthly newsletter. Or you can just email me at aprolificwriter@yahoo.com and I will make sure you get a copy. Keep abreast of this illness, for this means our life and the lives of those we love. Let us all continue to appreciate schizophrenia.com for the updated information on this illness and for the use of this site.

Sincerely, Dianna (daughterfirstborn)

A Cell Phone????? Oh me, Oh my!

Hello and it is good to return. I am extremely busy with school; however I do try to return if only for a brief visit. I have four classes at present and I hardly have time for myself to enjoy a movie or some other activiity. I have to make the time.

My dad is still not cooperative. He is really in a manic state as well as one of paranoia. He needs his meds like I need my Ebony drawing pencils to draw for my art class. He is associating with persons who are so unhealthy; they are not helping him to get better. Oh, but I am the daughter and he is the father and he knows best, right? Wrong!

If a loved one of yours is suffering from paranoid schizophrenia and they refuse to take their meds, it is on them. However, if they are still willing to get the necessary treatment and assistance, please work with them.

My father has a cell phone for he has let his telephone get into a disconnected status. Imagine a man of seventy-one years old and talking and dealing on a cell phone. His illness does not help at all for he has a hard time dealing with the reality of matters. That cell phone bill has to be paid each month, has minutes that he has to keep an account of and it is his responsibility.

Well, until next time stay well, be encouraged and help one another in the fight of schizophrenia. Keep perusing this site of schizophrenia.com for it is a good one. For bipolar disorder, check out www.bipolarfocus.com.

daughter firstborn

New Yahoo Group Formed-Schizosupport@yahoogroups.com

Hi Family, friends and loyal supporters of those with schizophrenia. I have started a new yahoo group for those who want to express their feelings, hurts, encouraging words, poetry, wisdom, insight or just share. This place will be a safe haven against the inner and outer turmoil that we sometimes feel trying to assist our family members and friends. We wsnt to encourage all of those family members who take their meds to continue. Please go to schizosupport@yahoogroups.com and join the group.

daughterfirstborn

Symptoms of a Crackhead

I hate to sound like this but my father seems like he is on crack cocaine. Yes, you heard me right. He has the symptoms, the actions, even the appearance. When I see my father downtown, he is a sight for sore eyes to see. Pure hell. He never has any money now like he used to in the past. He is still gambling and I hope that he does not get hurt in any way. People don't play when it comes to drug, gambling, and money.

Then I got word that the young gal is still using him. The mixed breed she is and I guess he feels that she is pretty. Well she is pretty in the sense that she is still using him. How dumb can he get? He has bought her Victoria Secret gear and also written her love letters. She is sitting in the bar with other men and he walks in. He must realize that he does not own her. It is said that he stalks her.

How did my father get this way? Do you want me to sound like a broken record? Well, I will not. Take your meds, for those of you with schizophrenia please. Those who are supporting family members with the disease, please encourage them to take their meds. They will only get worse if they don't.

daughterfirstborn

Mental Illness Is Not A Joke

If anybody thinks that mental illness is a game, I am here to say that it is not. Time after time in this writing, I speak about how important it is to take the prescribed meds. I am losing my father to this nonsense. It is no joke. This man is lost. I said this man. I don't know him like this. I don't need mania. I don't want it but I could see it in him-BIG TIME! People are taking advantage of him, he is gambling big time and owes everybody in the book, so to speak.

You would think that a highly intelligent man who is seventy years of age would know better than to geting involved with all types of persons and this is all because he has been off of the meds for over two years. Some of you who are reading this with schizoaffective, schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder-if you think you can go for a long period of time without your meds for whatever reason, you are fooling yourself. Keep on fooling yourself, regardless of your age you are goimg to suffer in time. I see my father going downhill right before my eyes and there is nothing that I can do to shield him from the consequences of his behavior. This is what he chooses for himself, I did not do the choosing. Therefore, I am not responsible for the harm that nay come upon him as a result thereof. I live around people that need help in that way. Some of them are dual-diagnosed. Yet, they are among the smartest folk you know. They know how to use people, tell lies, outsmart people(or so they think) like a snake, all dressed up with no place in which to go. Sometimes I see this in my dad and I don't like it. He has become just like some of these modern-day crackheads that surround me. It does not matter about the age. He has health needs that need to be addressed like his foot, which he will not take care of. He needs surgery on that foot and will not get it. Okay, when the foot turns gangrene, than whose fault is it? The point I am making here is that mental illness is no joke. You are no longer responsible for yourself if you continue to go without the meds. And no one else is going to be responsible for you, either. Take your meds! I am closing for you to have a good holiday, in whatever way you should celebrate.

daughterfirstborn

HE- A Very Ill Man, Does Not Want My Help

Sometimes in life we have to count our losses and move on. HE's a grown man as some would say. Right now, HE does not want to hear any thing about psychiatric care. The way HE is acting, HE needs to be in a facility. HE is not paying his bills, he has come to have a gambling addiction and he is just not himself. If this is the way HE wants to be, then there is very little that I can do for to me HE is acting and looking like a bum. But I know what no one else knows-the bum in HE. HE is very likeable, but a lot of people are afraid of him. It depends on who HE is talking to. He can play the role of a con artist very well, it depends on who he is dealing with.

I have not heard from HE in several days, after his phone was suspended. Why is it suspended, for it should not be. Simply, HE did not pay the bill. HE has become a lottery ticket playing and gambling man who had a beer or two only to go asleep. HE is regressing back to the olden days when he was driving cabs, flirting with younger woman. What HE should do is to wrap that foot and keep off of it as advised.

Schizophrenia is not a picnic as those of you who have it know and those of you who are caregivers really know. You must take those meds faithfully. If the psychiatrist did not prescribe them for you, that's one thing. If they are prescribed, there'a reason. The prescribing of medicine is not to be taken lightly.

Well, in closing I would like to say that future entries are probably going to be based on what I know to be true about my father, trying to see if HE can get in an assisted living residence. In the meantime, I am still going to school at the university doing the best that I can so that I can learn more about life.

daughterfirstborn47

Stranger, Indeed

Hello everyone. I just don't know what is going on with my dad, for everything is a secret. First of all, schizophrenia he is in denial with for he is not going to take the Abilify or anything connected with the malady. Secondly, his foot is giving him trouble, it seems to have a boil or ulcer near the ankle and he keeps running to the emergency room for treatment, only to turn around and come back home. Why don't they keep him if he won't stay off of his feet? It seems like the foot is getting worse and worse with each pressing day. I ty to inquire of information only to be told that it's confidential.

He does not want to stay in the hospital but I am seriously thinking of having him committed. He wants to stay home so that he could roam around in the building, go to the health center and the terminal where they eat their lunch.

I am thinking that they are going to amputate his foot eventually. I am sure they are considering it and he is not going to like that. Well, he should behave now. He cannot keep still because the side effects of not being on that medication is worse. Schizophrenia has to be treated, let us not make any mistakes. You and I both know that is a solid fact. It cannot be changed. But a seventy-year old man can make his own choices. HE SIMPLY DOES NOT WANT THE MEDS. Ok, well he has to suffer the dire consequences, and dire they are!

My brothers and sisters can have a share taking turns going to his apartment when the nurse is not there so that he does not get up unnecessarily. They all have Ford Expeditions and Durangos and they can do something for him when they can. I am only one person, still trying to learn in school, get my degrees and take care of my condition. I have limitations just like everyone else. I know that my father is playing the role of a stranger, he is not himself. I have to just pray and let nature and God handle things. I am a firm believer that my heavenly Father will not let me handle anything that I cannot. My father is not doing something right and I just cannot figure it out, but he knows what he is doing when he wants to hide behind a veneer of slyness.

Well, I am to depart right now for I have some schoolwork to do. I must keep focus on what I have to do. I have to pray for my Father for I know the help that he truly needs. If he keeps this up, we are going to have him committed for psychiatric care.

Those who are battling schizophrenia, take your meds, please.

daughterfirstborn47

A Stranger Exists

There is a man who is like a stalker, a stranger. We have the same last name. He walks about the town looking for his daughter. The pharmacy, the library and the stores, to name a few. This man along with my mother gave birth to me in 1958. He is my father.

He became this way because of being non-compliant with the meds. I am not going to sound like a broken record, for in a lot of my writings here that is all you have heard. For the most part he stays out of my sight because he fears that I am going to become a broken record. No, instead I have to focus on what I need to do in life for me. My educational goals, my plans to move to Georgia, and to have my first book published.

I am taking my meds for a different condition than my father's, also I have some physical ailmnents which could exasberate if I let that
happen. In the meantime, I go to the therapist, my doctor and weekly appointments. In adition to, I have a summer school course that I must finish in a few weeks. I belong to a few writing groups, and I am in the process of writing two books, one is a memoir and the other one is a true story; however I will have to fictionalize it.

If you have schizophrenia, you know what to do, if you are a caretaker, please cotinue to encourage your famiky or friend to do the right thing. There are many support groups for all of you, dependng on where you live. Until you next time, please take care.
Questions: bombshellblonde47@yahoo.com

daughterfirstborn47

Dad's Behavior is Very Strange, I Cannot Label It

Good morning, day, evening, whatever time that it is around in your part of the world.

My father is exhibiting very strange behavior signs that I cannot call. He is in a very high "manic state", drinking excessive amounts of coffee, colas and caffeine. He is also smoking. I know from my readings that Abilify and smoking do not go hand in hand.
Who knows what else he could be doing? He is avoiding me at times and at other times he is hunting me down. I just wish he would go somewhere and rest himself. He takes whatver medicines he wants to take and avoids others at all cost. When he walks downtown, he speed walks and should be careful, for he has a "infected foot'. He has "delusions of grandeur", appearing to be someone that he is not. He goes around carrying a Bible at times, striking up conversstions with persons that he does not even know. He wears a cap that makes him look kike a "jitterbug, a man who tries to be young and makes flirtations with younger women. He is still giving that young twenty-five year old his money, resulting in his being broke the rest of the month. The moral of this short writing: If a person with schizophrenia does not take their medicine over an extended period of time,and refuses to do so, then as a caring family member sometimes you just have to let go and let God. There is nothing you can do but go on with what you have to do in life because you can becomr very ill, along with the noncompliant fmmily member by burning yourself out. You can still love them; however enough is enough.

Take Your Meds!

Hello once again. I have just completed my month long hospitalization program on an outpatient basis. As stated in my last journal entry, part of the reason was because of my father NOT TAKING HIS MEDS OVER AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. I cannot stress this enough, MEDS MUST BE TAKEN. You do not have MD after your name do you? When you go to a university to gain a degree in psychiatry, then you can make the decision of whether or not you need medication. Until then, all consumers(patients), please take your meds. If there is a problem with the dosage or side effects, then the doctor can adjust accordingly. Please read the next paragraph very carefully.

While in the program, there were some consumers(patients)who were on Abilify or other meds for schizophrenia. I noticed that they were having delusions. One made up stories that did not ring true. Another said that Jesus Christ told her to do something. Friends, this can be dangerous, for persons may act upon what they are told to do. The consumers agreed that they were not fully compliant with their medications. Sometimes an adjustment was needed. That is the beauty of an intense outpatient program. The doctor was right there daily to see how each one was doing with the current dosage, and if a change was needed, it was given. I am glad that I gave the program a try for my bipolar condition, for I was given another medication which has helped me greatly with my mood stabilization. Of course, I did not want it at first. However, if I am giving advice to someone about the importance of taking medications (even trying them), then I must do the same for my condition.

At the present, I am working on three papers for an English class from last semester. Despite the 7,000 loss which I shared with you last posting on April 10th, I am surviving. You see, it all depends on attitude. We must have a positive one. I lost that money because of certain triggers, which I have self-identified. Those triggers I must not allow to get in my way and my father is one of them. I cannot allow him to throw my emotiona out of sync. I love my father. You can love someone and yet not allow them to upset your applecart. My father is now allowing a young woman to take advantage of him, he is running back and forth to the store for other seniors and charging them, he is acting like a jitterbug, carrying around a briefcase full of papers, and even started smoking. If he had been taking his meds, he would not be acting in these and other ways. Pure mania, pure mania one hundred percent, and then at night he crashes.

I will need to have those papers completed and one of them includes Shakespeare, by next week. Also, I will be doing poetry workshops for the disabled and create-a-poems for kids. Children and teenagers with bipolar duisorder will learn to exercise their creativeness, for it is there. So as you can see, for the next few weeks, I will be busy. One final thought, May 2005 (this month) was supposed to have been graduation month for me. However, due to setbacks in my life, I will gain my Bachelor's Degree in May 2006. Grad School follows for my MFA in Creative Writing. I will be finishing my first memoir in Germany before I graduate. As you can see, I have many goals. I am here to tell you that regardless of your diagnosis, you can do ANYTHING you want to if you set your mind to it. JUST TAKE YOUR MEDS, BECAUSE YOU CANNOT FUNCTION WITHOUT THEM......until next time, daughter firstborn saying so long.

Father Is Acting Worse Than Ever

Hello everyone. It is good to once again share some information with you about the subject of schizophrenia. I have been away due to my computer having been down for a little over a month. Unfortunately, I had to start all over again with some of the programs. In addition to that, I had to start a day program on an outpatient basis to regain structure to my life again. (will be very short term) And, even though I am on leave at the university, I am trying to complete 5 papers. I AM VERY BUSY WITH LIMITED FINANCIAL RESOURCES AND I AM NOT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. However, guess what sustains me? My relationship with God, my poetic accomplishments, my encouragement from websites to deal with my mental challenge and keeping in touch with all of you on a regular basis. I am going to try to stay in touch at least once a month. As I always mention, it is a privilege to keep a journal on this site, which I dare not lose.

My father is not acting like himself and has not been for a while now. He has some physical limitations in which he needs rest; however the paranoia has him overly suspicious of persons, and he is exhibiting unusual strange behavior in public which is noticed by others. He carries a briefcase around talking about going back to work at the age of seventy, he wears his school id badge which identifies him as a senior citizen having taken the classes at the community college level. He feels that persons are "discussing him", he calls me just to touch basis as he puts it and the calls are at any time of day or night that he deems necessary. In other words, his behavior is not usual. I am his daughter and I saw this afar off and I could not stop it. He does what he wants to do. I tried to have him committed. The treatment team tried everything that they could do. They could "not do". Here we have a seventy year old man walking about all day long, doing chores for his neighbors, trying to get a job, asking persons for money, sly as a fox, among other things and there is no end. Sometimes I don't hear from him for days, then he calls very often.

Another tactic that he uses to gain attention is that of picking his varicose veins until they bleed, going to the hospital only to having being sent home. He called a sister of mine early in the morning to take him to the hospital, only to have them release him. Medical personnel can tell when you have picked with those veins, causing bleeding. All I can tell you now is that those of you who are plagued with schizophrenia, in whatever type, continue taking your medications, please. This is why my father is acting this way now. It has been two years. According to him, he does not need them. Don't kid yourself. You don't like the side effects? Discuss situations with your doctor. Guess what? I don't like one of my meds because of the side effects of vivid dreams, oh those dreams. Yet, my doctor will not remove Tegretol from my list of meds because it has helped tremendously in mood stabilization. I don't like my dreams, but the greater dislike is hospitalization. Mania is where my dad can land me for he has done that already prior to February. I refuse to let it happen. I believe in taking my meds, please take yours. And for those of you taking care of someone with this malady, please endure and encourage them to do what is right. Until next time, daughterfirstborn(47) getting older and wiser.....taking care of me first.....s.dianna

Dad's behavior contributed to my hospitalization

Good day to everyone, family members, those with the challenge of schizophrenia, those who are caretakers and those with general interest: It is good to be back and able to contribute once again. Despite my busy life as a university student, I am going to devote some time today to share some news with you.

I have been hospitalized since February 7th due to some outside stressors in my life. Recently, I lost my scholarship and grant monies due to my not being able to complete some coursework from the previous semester, also the neighborhood that I reside in is full of death dealing drug plaguing and I am tired of that. My neighborhood is full of negative persons who have recently accused me of something that I would never do to a young teenager, just because of my caring for him with genuine love from my heart. I love this person like a son and to be accused of someting so degrading is deplorable. I must remove myself and the sooner, the better. In the meantime, I must continue to work on my papers that are due for my professors because my education from the university, my poetry, my relationship with the most high personage (Creator) of the universe, my music, candles, teddy bears, dolls, art and photography are the most important things in my life.

The persons that I live around are on a different page and are consumed by drugs, alcohol and whatever else. That is their choice. We all have choices in life. I am a survivor and will continue to be. Bear in mine, that I am very busy in my life and I am trying to journal on this site at least once a week. I have my own poetry and fiction website, I assist persons on the mental health sanctury, I am trying to get my poetry in a book form, and I belong to several poetry and writing organizations. I cannot give everyone all of my time. I have to take care of me first. I have learned that from my hospitalization. Ten days where I had no access to a computer or cell phone, I felt like my rights were stripped. This is what I want to share with all of you in the next paragraph.

I am medically compliant with my medications for BiPolar Disorder Type I. I am seldom hospitalized.

MY FATHER, WHO HAS PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIA, HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME AROUND TOWN PRIOR TO MY HOSPITALIZATION, ACTING LIKE HE IS A SPRING CHICKEN, WITH A YOUNG LOVE IN HIS LIFE, IS NOT MEDICALLY COMPLIANT AT ALL AND HAS NOT BEEN FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS. HE DOES NOT WANT THE ABILIFY OR ARICEPT AND YET HE NEEDS TO BE HOSPITALIZED. I HAVE LET HIM UPSET ME TO THE POINT WHERE I LOST 7,000 OF MY OWN MONEY THAT THE UNIVERSITY HAD GIVEN ME IN JANUARY. I HAD TO RETURN IT BECAUSE OF THE AGGRAVATION AND AGITATION THAT MY FATHER HAD CREATED FOR ME. HE DOES NOT DO THIS TO MY OTHER SIBLINGS. GUESS WHAT? IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. TO ME 7,000 IS A LOT OF MONEY TO LOSE, I AM A UNIVERSITY STUDENT WHO IS DISABLED AND I AM STRIVING FOR MY BA IN PSYCHOLOGY AND MFA IN CREATIVE WRITING. I WANT TO HELP CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER TO BECOME CREATIVE AND EXPRESS THEMSELVES TRROUGH THEIR TALENTS AND TO REALIZE THAT THEY, CAN LIVE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER.

I LOST THE GRANTS AND SCHOLARSHIPS AS WELL. NOW I WILL HAVE TO PUT MY POETRY ON TAPES AND TRY TO MAKE MONEY FROM THAT. SOMETHING WILL WORK OUT, MY HEAVENLY FATHER WILL NOT SEE ME SUFFER, I AM A GOOD PERSON WHO HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A CARETAKER AND LOOKED AFTER OTHERS, NO MORE. I AM NUMBER ONE AND SHORT ON MONEY, YET I AM A SURVIVOR.

For those of you with family members with schizophrenia, please if they do not want to take their medications faithfully, DO NOT LET THEM INTERFERE WITH YOUR LIFE, THEY HAVE MADE THEIR CHOICE, YOU CAN MAKE YOURS. I HAVE LEARN THIS $7,000 LESSON AND IT DOES HURT AND LIFE DOES GO ON. Until next time, please take care of yourselves. For those of you with schizophrenia who do take your medications, PLEASE CONTINUE TO DO SO, REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU TRULY FEEL, KEEP YOUR APPOINTMENTS UP AND IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO GIVE UP ON LIFE, GO TO THE NEAREST PLACE OR CALL FOR HELP. This is a wonderful website. Please continue to cherish and appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Dauhterfirstborn(47)
(who truly loves her
father, must cut the
apron strings)

IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK

Hello to all of you, Daughter firstborn is here, Welcome to the year 2005. I hope that all of you have had a wonderful year despite the ups and downs that schizophrenia may bring upon each and every one of you. Life on its own can be very difficult to bear without taking care of our family members who are afflicted with this malady. Let me just share with you why I have not been journaling, that's my expression.

First of all, I have been EXTREMELY BUSY WITH UNIVERSITY LIFE. Yes, being a full-time university student with a major of Psychology and a minor in English can be quite taxing. I commute by train several days a week and it is time consuming indeed. However, there are joys associated with university life. It is indeed an honor to be a student, yet I do miss journaling my expressions with you.

Another reason you have not seen any updtes from me is because I have been ill while going to classes and at this time I have some papers to complete for an English course as well as a paper for a Sociology independent study on Schizophrenia and Bi-Polar Disorder. I will not be sending any more expressions to you about my father until this Wednesday, the 5th of January. I would like to complete my papers as soon as possible. Therefore, all of you can look forward to hearing from me in a few days.

My father has been going to the psychiatrist lately. However, he remains to have signs that he is not taking medications or taking them in the proper way. He is exhibiting signs of pure mania. He cannot be still, always on the go, he is really trying to impress me; however I am not the one to be impressed. Of course, he misses the relationship that we had. I still love him, I always will, it is just that I must keep my distance and sanity admist someone that I have always been close to. I am daughter firstborn and I will be back again real soon. For those of you with the malady of schizophrenia, remember that it is an illness, it is not your life. For those of you who are taking care of family with schizophrenia, please continue to endure and pray and encourage them please to continue to take the medications. I have so many relatives on my father's side of the family with the malady of schizophrenia. There is hope, always....always...See you on Wednesday. For those of you who have made comments on my former entries, I will email you with some encouragement tonight.

Sincerely,
Miss Sharon
Daughterfiratborn

ps: If any of you would like
to read my poetry, contact me
and I will give you my personal
information.

It Does Not Get Any Better

Good evening. It is good to return to the site here and share whatever information I may have with you. This evening I don't have very much to say; however I will return to you on Wednesday after my physical therapy session. My father is still in a non-compliant state and that is the way things are at present.. It simply does not get any better as one gets older, especially when uncooperative. At this time, note that I must continue to restrict my visits and phone calls with him so that I can maintain a steady diet of good health mentally and physically for myself. I am finishing up a few courses, taking care of my medical condition and trying to maintain a healthy balance for myself. I have done all that I could for my father up until this point. If for some reason he decides to go back on the medications, resume psychotherapy on a regular basis and see the psychiatrist as scheduled, then he is taking a great step in geting better for himself. To the contrary, as long as he is not compliant, exhibiting all of the symptoms of paranoia to the extreme, unstabilized and unreasonable, then I must limit my time and energies with him. This is something that family members of consumers with this medical illness must understand. The ill family member annot be pacified. They made a choice; therefore you must make a choice. Until next time, take care and once again it is good to be back and to share with you the truth about matters relating to schizophrenia.

Four Walls-His Choice

Hello to all of you, It is a new day. First of all, I would like to thank Christina for her comment on my last entry. I wish the best for you as well and I am trying to get in touch with you. Please contact me again.

As far as my father is concerned, he has made his decision to stay in four walls, sending a neighbor to the store for him, calling securityon a telephone from his apartment, like he is in some hotel or something, and getting broke at that. He has made his choice. Not to take the medication. Therefore, I have made mine. I am to leave him alone until he goes back to the hospital, resume his medications for schizophrenia and stop this unnecessary foolishness of being non-compliant. I refuse to let him take me down under with him. He simply does not care. He knows what he is doing. He is not cooperating at all with those who are sincerely trying to help him. Therefore, the only time I will conribute to the site again is if I have some kind of connection with him at least by phone once a week or talk to the gentleman who he sends to the store and get some information. One last note, my uncle will continue to stop by to see him once a week and will see what he can do to get him committed by the necessary medical and psychiatric team if necessary. Thank you and good day. (daughterfirstborn, 46) Perhaps I will talk with all of you soon, I hope so.

MIND OVER MATTER, ONE DAY AT A TIME

Hello to all of you today. I most certainly hope that everyone is well. For all of you who are mothers diagnosed with the challenge of schizophrenia, I hope that you have a good day today. For those of you who are taking care of your mothers, continue to endure and take care of them to the best of your ability, for you only get one mother. I am not a mother; however I am an aunt and I love my nieces and nephews. Also, there are many young persons who I have taught during my twenty-five years of teaching special education that were like my own. I see them every now and then and I always get a hug that is truly appreciated.

I have not been on the site for several weeks due to illness. I am feeling somewhat better, although I must continue to rest. I have doctor appointments for the rest of the month in addition to finishing my courses at the university. I hope that the current experiences are encouraging for you to read and I am sure that you are giving them positive feedback. All of the persons that are keeping journals on this site are not having it easy in their lives. They are living day by day, moment by moment in their respective situations. Sometimes they have very weighty decisions to make. That includes myself.

My father is still bent on not taking his medications. At the age of sixty-nine, he is determined that he is not going to. However, the PACT team has decided to step in and assist. The PACT team is contacted when the psychiatrists and therapists at the clinic can no longer assist the consumer in following through on his or her commitments. This may include the following through on scheduled monthly appointments and the taking of prescribed medications.

The responsibility of the PACT team is to contact my father and to see where they can assist him in taking his medications, to find out WHY he is not taking them, to see if they can come by and give him his medications daily or admit him to a facility and make sure he is given the medication in injection form.
Sometimes a consumer(patient) cannot make the decison on their own, especially if the medication is desperately needed and the person does not realize it because they feel they are doing good without it. Once again, the PACT team is trained to possibly remove the individual from the home and it is possible that the person is involuntary committed to a mental health facility for a unspecified or specified amount of time, depending on the progress that is made. I gave my father a nice warning months ago that if he did not take his medications each day as prescribed, that eventually he would end up in the hospital. My father each day is suffering. He is trying very hard not to go to the hospital, as I have mentioned to all of you before in prior journals. He is in a state of extreme paranoia. He is continuing to send persons to the store for him, to check his mailbox(which is only down stairs in the building), he fears persons are in a scandal after him, he fears that someone is listening to the phone conversation and that persons on the television screen are looking directly at him. THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR ON THE PART OF A FAMILY MEMBER WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA IS NOT FUN, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW THAT THE NORMAL BEHAVIOR IS NOT OF THIS CALIBER. IT HURTS ME TO SEE MY FATHER RESPOND AND ACT IN THIS MANNER AND IT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT MY FAULT. LET US PUT THE BLAME WHERE IT REALLY LIES. I am letting all of you know, for those of you with paranoid schizophrenia (or any type of) who are supposed to take medication, please take it! Do not continue to hurt those who care for you with non-compliance. The medicine was prescribed to you for a reason. I am not trying to lecture you; I am pleading with you out of love. It is 2:00 am in the moring. I could be sleep. I am getting this information to you so that you can have it. When I go to sleep in my part of the globe, perhaps some of you will be awakening. If the medicine has side effects that you don't like, seek the doctor out and ask for a change. Don't just stop the medicine and suffer, please. My father is near seventy years of age; he is set in his ways. Some of you I am sure are younger and can change before it is too late. It is never too late to change. If you are battling a chemical addiction simultaneously, there is still help. There are MICA programs to help those who have chemical addictions as well. MICA stands for "Mentally Ill, Chemically Addicted." A lot of persons are dual diagnosed. They have a mental illness as well as a chemical addiction. I feel that my father has some kind of chemical addiction, whether it is some kind of drug or alcohol and that is probably why he does not want to take the medication. It conflicts. My father is a very intelligent man and he knows what he is doing. He has chosen his non-compliance over his relationship with me (his daughter) I have always been there for him and I always will be. I am just a phone call away. What I refuse to do is to go by and watch my father slowly fade away because of something that he chooses not to do, I will not cater to him like he is a child and I will not put his needs ahead of my own. I will be forty-six this month and I must take care of me.

RECENT EXPERIENCE: For the past two days/nights, I have been having chest pains with numbness on the right side of my mouth and right arm. I had muscle spasms in the chest. signs and symtoms of a possible heart attack and stroke. Guess who was around to help daughter firstborn? No one, but myself. I took my own self to the emergency room. The necessary tests were performed, EKG, Chest Xray, blood work, and urine. Everything was fine. Now, as far as the numbness on the right side of my face, last week I did suffer a small mini-stroke because of a stress attack, with spasms and side effects. I have no idea when the numbness will go away but I do know this: I will not let the actions of my father cause me unnecessary aggravation again. I could have lost my life last week worrying about my father and he would have still been living being non-compliant! The lesson in this: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST, THEN YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOUR LOVED ONE WHO IS ILL, IF YOU ARE ILL, PLEASE TAKE YOUR MEDS, DON'T CAUSE ADDITIONAL STRESS ON YOUR FAMILY MEMBER.

sincerely,
(daughterfirstborn45)

Times of Uncertainty, However Remain Focused!

Hello to all of you today. Daughterfirstborn is here again, appreciating the privilege of sharing wholesome and vital information. At present, situations are very uncertain and have been for the past week and a half. Despite that fact, let all of us continue to think of one another and hope for the best. My father is still bent on not taking is meds, he is still in a state of extreme paranoia, he wants to remain within four walls twenty-four seven, and he is really difficult to deal and communicate with effectively at this point. He is not getting any better. He needs either a sincere visit to the psychiatrist to get back on a medication regimen or a hospitalization to start receiving injections. According to the latest Psychiatry 24x7 newsletter which can be received through email, most persons who are schizophrenics are refusing more than ever to take their medication and have to be hospitalized over again which is resulting in more medical costs. My father has a known record of going in for treatment for a week or two, promising to take his meds when he is released for home, then he does not follow through. I cannot go to my father's apartment and hand feed him his meds; he simply does not want the Abilify and the Aricept. He takes his medication for high blood pressure and his vitamins. So, therefore that is telling me that he takes what he wants to take and does not take what he does not want to take. It is plain and simple. I have no control over the matter, as much as I would like to. I have been grieving silently lately, drowning in tears unseen. Remember, in my earlier entries, I have illnesses that I have to take care of so that I can stay healthy and that includes medication daily. I have my college studies to complete at home, thanks to my generous professors. Also, I am working on my autobiography, which will be my first book to be published, with a goal to be released in the year 2005. My book will be dedicated to my father and to this website and to the future for any schizophrenia research. I will have a portion of the proceeds of the book to go to schizophrenia.com and to the webmaster of this site.

April is National Poetry Month and as promised in my last entry, here is a poem that was written by me in the year 2001 in reference to my father. It is entitled 'Almost Lost My Dad'. Someone may relate to this poem; it may help someone; please read it. Here it is:

ALMOST LOST MY DAD

In December, I almost lost my dad
But he would not tell me so
Something strange was happening for
a week. I would call him and he would
not speak on the phone
Hello, Hello, I would say;
Little did I know that the voices would not
go away. He would not let me know
I tried to get him some help, but to no avail
He feared the police were after him; just like
in Washington DC
Paranoia, it's part of his plan
Voices, Voices, go away
My dad is not ready to depart today
To get better he must get some help
So he won't hear "them" for a while
What were "they" telling him to do?
No, I saved my Father and he is around
TODAY!

sdw(2001) this was written after my father suffered for a whole
week before deciding he needed to seek help at a local hospital
and I am deeply grateful that he did so.

I wish that he would make the effort to get the help now because
he is older and he has a form of dementia along with the schizophrenia.
Remember, some things we have no control over. We can only hope
and remain focused on life at hand. Continue to cherish our loved
one(s) and do what we can and what we can't, let it be. Until next time,
daughterfirstborn is saying goodbye until next time. All of you, have
a very good week, focus on the good!

Tuesday (am)