A Daughter's Story

Schizophrenia Is Serious

First of all, let me apologize to all of you who see typos when reading my entries. I have vision problems and even though I check my spelling, sometimes I may miss a word or two. I am in the process of learning how to go back again and edit over again my errors. Please be patient and understanding. I deeply apologize for any misspellings. I will work very hard not to misspell any word. Thank you (daughterfirstborn)

Now, to go on to today's entry. It is Sunday afternoon. I went to service this morning. Yes, the only way that I am going to endure this trialsome period in my life is to have God always with me. I spoke to Father a few days ago and he emphasized that he was doing some phone calling to the my brothers and sisters, mentioning that he had not heard from anyone. I let him talk, talk and talk. I had to remind him that he was the one that was isolating himself, sending people in the building that he lives in to the store, when he is called, he does not want to talk which means possibly the voices are telling him that someone is listening to the conversation, and that I called his brothers and sisters to let them know to please call him because I get highly upset when he starts to complain about the very symptoms that exhibit themselves because of not taking the meds. Now, when I called him yesterday which I am starting to dread doing-it is starting to become like a chore; like a toleration of sorts, he did not feel like talking. I told my father, listen if you don't feel like talking, let me know now, and call me when you feel up to talking. The reason that I said this was because I called him to see how he was doing and if he needed to go to the store and he is giving me one word answers and gave me the vibes ( I know the vibes) that he did not care to be bothered) so I bluntly replied to him that if he did not want to talk, to call me when he wanted to talk. Now 24 hours have passed and I have not heard from him, and I just have to leave him and his issues in the hands of our loving Creator. What can I do? My hands are tied. Let me just give you a briefing of what daughterfirstborn has to go through each week: I am a full-time college student majoring in Psychology, I am working on a book to be released in 2005, I write poetry, I have my own poetry website, I go to a few websites like www.bipolarhappens.com and www.bipolarworld.net for encouragement just like some of you enjoy this website, I go to a lot of writing websites, I just finished a photography course with an A average, I go to counseling each week for Sexual Assault counseling for myself for being sexually abused as a teenager, I go to see a psychologist every week for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder among other issues, I have a dysfunctional family that have never been supportive of me and my efforts(I am on my own) and I am almost 46 years old, I have to deal with an injured right hip and both knees, which means that I have to continue to see the specialist for my knee and hip. I guess I have to find the time again for physical therapy. Now, this week I am on spring break (March 15-19) and tomorrow I have an appointment with the gastroenterologist (stomach doctor). I know that stress has a lot to do with irritable bowel and this is why I was telling all of you that my plate is full. This week I am going to reduce my college load from 4 classes down to 2 classes. I don't like it, however I must if I want to get better. I will concentrate on getting my stomach better this week, withdrawing from 2 classes (last time I will make that choice) I will change my diet, my medications my lifestyle, my sleep pattern-whatever it takes for me to get back on that train 2 days a week to the university without worrying about how my spastic colon is going to react-when and where. Stress is a killer and a lot of persons in the age category (late 40's) here in NJ where I reside are dying suddenly sometimes of a heart attack because of excess stress, tension and aggravation. I refuse to die when I don't have to. I am not going to let my father put me six foot under. The reason I mentioned my father is because HE has been suffering and battling with schizophrenia/bi-polar disorder for more than 35 years. He is tired of dealing with it and I am tired of dealing with it because of his not cooperating with what he has to do. I am not telling him that I am tired of dealing with it. He is a completely different person when he is taking meds and making his monthly appointments. He tells me that he loves me, calls me daily when he is taking his meds. He laughs, we have good conversations, when he is taking his meds. He is a 69 year old shy, quiet man, when he is taking his meds. To the contrary, when he is not taking his meds, he fears the police are after him, he is afraid to go out of his apartment, he fears he has an odor, he fears people are talking about him, he thinks there is water on the floor, he will say that someone has been in his apartment, he fears that someone is listening to our conversation, or he gets confused. Remember, in an earlier entry, I mentioned that he has a form of dementia. Dementia is a form of memory loss. We won't go there, because I have said a lot today and I need a nap. I have a mental illness or challenge as I would like to say of Bi-Polar disorder and I have to see the psychiatrist on Thursday to get more medication. I am tired now. I must take a nap because I am in a lot of knee/hip pain. I will take the phone with me in the event that Father decides to call me. Won't that be a good thing? Until next time.....Love to all of you...take meds if you need them..think positive if you are a family member dealing with an ill family member...don't give up...(daughterfirstborn)