A Daughter's Story

Times of Uncertainty, However Remain Focused!

Hello to all of you today. Daughterfirstborn is here again, appreciating the privilege of sharing wholesome and vital information. At present, situations are very uncertain and have been for the past week and a half. Despite that fact, let all of us continue to think of one another and hope for the best. My father is still bent on not taking is meds, he is still in a state of extreme paranoia, he wants to remain within four walls twenty-four seven, and he is really difficult to deal and communicate with effectively at this point. He is not getting any better. He needs either a sincere visit to the psychiatrist to get back on a medication regimen or a hospitalization to start receiving injections. According to the latest Psychiatry 24x7 newsletter which can be received through email, most persons who are schizophrenics are refusing more than ever to take their medication and have to be hospitalized over again which is resulting in more medical costs. My father has a known record of going in for treatment for a week or two, promising to take his meds when he is released for home, then he does not follow through. I cannot go to my father's apartment and hand feed him his meds; he simply does not want the Abilify and the Aricept. He takes his medication for high blood pressure and his vitamins. So, therefore that is telling me that he takes what he wants to take and does not take what he does not want to take. It is plain and simple. I have no control over the matter, as much as I would like to. I have been grieving silently lately, drowning in tears unseen. Remember, in my earlier entries, I have illnesses that I have to take care of so that I can stay healthy and that includes medication daily. I have my college studies to complete at home, thanks to my generous professors. Also, I am working on my autobiography, which will be my first book to be published, with a goal to be released in the year 2005. My book will be dedicated to my father and to this website and to the future for any schizophrenia research. I will have a portion of the proceeds of the book to go to schizophrenia.com and to the webmaster of this site.

April is National Poetry Month and as promised in my last entry, here is a poem that was written by me in the year 2001 in reference to my father. It is entitled 'Almost Lost My Dad'. Someone may relate to this poem; it may help someone; please read it. Here it is:

ALMOST LOST MY DAD

In December, I almost lost my dad
But he would not tell me so
Something strange was happening for
a week. I would call him and he would
not speak on the phone
Hello, Hello, I would say;
Little did I know that the voices would not
go away. He would not let me know
I tried to get him some help, but to no avail
He feared the police were after him; just like
in Washington DC
Paranoia, it's part of his plan
Voices, Voices, go away
My dad is not ready to depart today
To get better he must get some help
So he won't hear "them" for a while
What were "they" telling him to do?
No, I saved my Father and he is around
TODAY!

sdw(2001) this was written after my father suffered for a whole
week before deciding he needed to seek help at a local hospital
and I am deeply grateful that he did so.

I wish that he would make the effort to get the help now because
he is older and he has a form of dementia along with the schizophrenia.
Remember, some things we have no control over. We can only hope
and remain focused on life at hand. Continue to cherish our loved
one(s) and do what we can and what we can't, let it be. Until next time,
daughterfirstborn is saying goodbye until next time. All of you, have
a very good week, focus on the good!

Tuesday (am)

April-A New Month for Progress, Let's Try!

Hello, everyone. It is great to return to the journal page so generously provided by the owners of this website of schizophrenia.com. Appreciation should be expressed to them for providing such a wealth of valuable information. For families, friends and interested persons interested in learning more about schizophrenia, this is the primary site that is visited all around the world.

It is 5:42 pm on Monday afternoon, and yes I have been extremely busy. However. I have a responsibility and a longing to return to visit and encourage someone who needs encouragement and I hope that I can provide such.

First of all, as I mentioned last week, there was going to be a team to visit my father. Well, I found out just a few days ago when my father decided to call me that a man and a woman came to see him. He mentioned that they spoke about medication, about the need for him to get out of the apartment, talked about his eating habits among other subjects. Again, he did not make himself clear. He told me what he wanted ME TO KNOW! Yes, we must remember that persons suffering or dealing with this brain disease in a confused like state will not remember all of the details and sometimes they will subconciously withold pertinent information from a concerned, seemingly critical family member such as myself. What he fails to realize is that I have been there for him for many years and my tolerance level at this point is NULL! The reason for this to reinterate is that I know that he needs his meds, the other siblings are not concerned, I have my own illnesses to deal with and at this stage of my life I am not the happiest person in the world because I am in a lot of pain each day with my physical injuries. As you recall from last week, I have to finish my semester at home. It is a very cold and windy day here today in New Jersey and my legs, knee and right hip definitely feels it........I need more rest than usual and I ask of my father to please be considerate of my need for rest and to please ask someone else to take him to the store because of my limited mobility at this time. I am asking those of you who are reading this to please think of me on Wednesday morning when I get my MRI on my knee and hip. I will let you know the results. I am telling you this about myself because when a family member has a mental illness such as my father and myself, if I was always the one helping him, eventually my body and mind will break down. This happens especially if I don't have any assistance. So, even though I love my father, despite the visit, and the recommendation to call his therapist, he has not done so. He is making excuses about the medicine issue. What I do, though is explain to him that I could not function without my medication. If I am having a hard time getting angry, agitated and short tempered on the medicine at this time, what would I be like without it? I am going to continue to make the necessary adjustments. I am going to continue to hope for progress even for all of you whether you are consumers (patients) or family members for strength, wisdom, guidance and hope to continue to fight very hard and never give up. I have been battling with bi-polar disorder for twenty-seven years since I was eighteeen years old on my own. No one has helped me to cope with this disorder; only the doctors and the hospital staff when I needed to be hospitalized. I have only been hospitalized six times for bi-polar disorder. The reason is because I believe in taking my medications and I am not on any street drugs neither do I have a problem with alcohol. Again, that is what I hope for my father. No one who reads this entry is in my shoes directly dealing with my father; so I know that what I am doing is the right thing to do. I am very close and always have been to my father and I know him through and through. To the contrary, the One that knows him better than I do and who deserves the credit because He created him, is the Almighty God who is perfect and knows all of us thoroughly. Whoever you refer to as your higher power. let that statement ring true for you as well.

April is a month for many activities. We just set our clocks ahead for daylight savings time. April is a special month for me and perhaps to a lot of us who write poetry; it is National Poetry Month. You will see posters hanging up in libraries and schools/classsrooms. Since I don't have a lot of time this month to write a poem a day, I have decided to read a poem daily, write a poem a week, read about several poets for the month and attend a few sessions of a visiting poet. In addition, for this month, in my entries to you, I will share one of my poems with you that I have already written. If you are interested in reading more of my poetry, leave a comment along with your email address and I will leave you the website address and you will find a lot of poetry. Also, all of us can make April a month to make progress with our mental challenges, how about it? We can do something special for our love ones, realistically speaking. If our love ones are not speaking to us, or there is a communication gap, now is the time to hope and pray for peace. Let us do what we can do to make peace. If we cannot, at least we know that we tried.....

I have to really try with my father, my tolerance level is not the same. I don't have the same amount of patience and calmness like I used to. The reason is again, I am not well myself. I need someone to help me again. I will have to make some more phone calls after I get some rest. I wanted to get back to all of you and express my love and appreciation for all of you. I love my father, I always will, I inherited my mental illness from him, I am a part of him, we are alike in many ways, different in a few ways, let me leave you with a good thought...

A BEAUTIFUL DAY

I WOKE UP EARLY TODAY, EXCITED OVER ALL THE THINGS I GET TO
TO BEFORE THE DAY ENDS

MY JOB IS TO CHOOSE WHAT KIND OF DAY I AM GOING TO HAVE

TODAY I CAN COMPLAIN BECAUSE THE WEATHER IS RAINY

OR

I CAN BE THANKFUL THAT THE GRASS IS GETTING WATERED
FOR FREE

TODAY I CAN GRUMBLE ABOUT MY HEALTH OR...

I CAN REJOICE THAT I AM ALIVE

TODAY I CAN MOURN MY LACK OF FRIENDS OR...

I CAN EXCITEDLY EMBARK UPON A NEW
QUEST TO DISCOVER NEW RELATIONSHIPS

TODAY I CAN WHINE BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO WORK OR...

I CAN SHOUT FOR JOY
BECAUSE I HAVE A JOB TO DO

TODAY I CAN MURMUR DEJECTEDLY BECAUSE I HAVE TO DO
HOUSEWORK OR...

I CAN FEEL HONORED BECAUSE LIFE HAS PROVIDED
SHELTER FOR MY MIND, BODY AND SOUL

TODAY STRETCHES AHEAD OF ME, WAITING TO BE SHAPED....

AND HERE I AM, THE SCULPTOR
WHO GETS TO DO THE SHAPING

TODAY I AM GOING TO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY.....

BECAUSE I AM BLESSED WITH SO MANY GIFTS IN MY LIFE.

author unknown

UNTIL NEXT TIME, MAY ALL OF YOU STAY HEALTHY, PEACEABLE, AND JOYOUS
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO OBSERVE THE PASSOVER ON APRIL 6 AND 7 ENJOY YOUR DAYS, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO OBSERVE THE EASTER HOLIDAY, HAVE PEACE AND GOOD DAYS WITH YOUR FAMILY AND GENUINE FRIENDS...AND REMEMBER NEVER LOOK DOWN ON YOURSELF,,CONTINUE TO LOOK UP!

(daughterfirstborn45)