State of Mind

First Diagnoses

I've just read a message about this person feeling confused as he/she was just diagnosed with schizophrenia. I must say that this is exactly how I felt when I first got to know that I had SZ, which was more than a year after being on meds for it. Confused, scared, not knowing what will happen next, not knowing whom to trust, not knowing what to believe, and you slowly start realizing that all that you believed all these years might not be true...but how can it not BE! How can not be when it was so real, it was the truth, you couldn't have been wrong! What is this happening? Why is this happening? What is wrong? Why do I have to calculate all my moves, make sure that I don't make a mistake, make sure that nothing goes wrong coz it could summon the end of the world, all because of me...why? How can it be that I feel the way I feel, uncertain, unsure of what I believe, of what I believed...

All of us feel this way, trying to figure out what life really is about, trying to make sure that we don't get lost in the delusion again, lost in our self-created madness that we still sometimes find comforting, knowing that there is someone we can talk to, someone who Knows, someone who will tell us the Truth, someone who will guide us through...The fear of going back there can be agonizing, making sure that we don't take more stress than we can handle, unsure whether we are just stressed this time, or has it started again, the voices, the confusion, the madness....

And all this time, all we can do is let it be, let go, let go of all the fear, of all the pain, the pain of losing all the oppurtunities through all these years, of not making it through what we all wanted to be, of what we all could be, the pain of never getting the love of people we loved, people we cared about, letting go of the anger, intense hatred, hatred for ourselves, hatred for the world, pure unscathed hatred...

But in the end, all of us believe, believe that we can make it through, believe that no matter what happens, life will never get us down, we will make sure that we lead the life we want to lead, not burdened by the past, coz if we start thinking of what could have been, it's going to drive us outta our minds...something that has already happened, something that can happen again...All we do is fight, stand up and fight, cry and yet fight, fight for our lives, fight for our minds, fight to make those voices stop, those screaming voices, fight to believe, believe that we can make it through, believe that it will all get over, fight, FIGHT!!

Posted by puzli at January 5, 2004 04:32 AM