State of Mind

Delusions

It's more of delusions for me now. That is how it starts again. Suddenly I start feeling as if the time has come, the final hours, the battle of the end is nearing its start, they are watching, they are preparing, getting ready for the final outcome...It starts suddenly, a thump in the chest, butterflies growing in the stomach and flying till the chest, no retreat, no more...the only way is through...

I try to relax, try to calm down, try to make the anxiety go away, try to let go, let go of all the thoughts, because that's the only way, the only way that I can free my mind, of all the anger, all the hatred, all the voices...It didn't start this time, I went off to sleep as I always try to do, but it had begun a year ago when I couldn't take the butterflies anymore in my chest, overpowering, overflowing, growing from small beauties to monster demons, and then there's a whack in the stomach, a sudden stinging sensation, acid starts pouring out inside, it burns, my stomach I grip, try to breathe, try to relax, I feel it growing numb, my digestive system shutting down, preparing me for fight or flight, preparing me for the ultimate match, fly I cannot, I cannot run, I cannot hide, they will know, they will find out, find me...the only thing I can do is fight, fight the demons again, the only way is through, conquer myself, conquer my fears, conquer what isn't there, that is what the fight is about now, till I go to my pdoc and he increases my meds again...