State of Mind

A few things sorted out

It has been a reawakening for me. I've been studying hard the past month for my exams and I've done well in the first exam. I've been listening to a new punjabi music album by Rabbi, not the type that plays in discs, but a novel and fantastic composition with poetic lyrics. I'd been studying till 3 in the morning the past couple of days, and during the exam those songs were playing in my mind. It reminded me of the time I first had songs continually playing in my mind when I was 11. I didnt try to fight the songs, for the suppression would be another form of will acting, and I wouldn't have been able to suppress it that way. And as the exam went on, to my happiness, the music slowly faded away slightly and I could concentrate on giving the exam. Now, as I write this, I recall the time when I had been singing during my exams in the past years just to stop the voices singing in my head and it had been a constant act of conforming to being without songs in my head, conforming to a pattern and hating the alternate pattern. But after reading Krishnamurti, I realized that my effort was unsuccessful not only in suppressing the voices, it made me hate myself even more, a state of mind that went down in a tailspin, making me hate the world and everything around me. As I write this, I realize that that would be the case for all of us. But in order to stay alive and well, we should take care not to start hating a part of ourselves, and hence conforming to a new 'me', for then it's the same old pattern being repeated again that traps us into a constant battle of what 'to be' and what not to be. I also realize that it is very difficult not to get stuck up there if we have delusions of grandeur, like I had. It had been a constant voice in my head, making conclusions about others actions, and judging them, making them appear as my enemies...I can't concentrate for much longer now. Will go have a ciggie and hopefully get down to studying for my next exam.