State of Mind

I am the meat I feed the beast...

I had mentioned in an earlier mail of mine how my symptoms had started when I was 11. Later, I realized that those were not symptoms of schizophrenia, but more of OCD, as the songs kept on playing in my mind over and over again. The same thing has been happening over the past couple of years. I used to carry my cd player around everyday when I was completely psychotic. I used to listen to it the whole day, even in school, while bunking classes. The same sequence of songs kept on going in my player, and in my mind. I used to keep on repeating those songs over and over again in my head and in my player. However, I just remembered one barely noticeable difference between those times and the times the songs played in my head when I was 11. It was not that I was not compulsive about listening to them. The one new demon that emerged out of it in my head was that the songs conveyed messages to me. Prophecies that only I understood. And every time the songs repeated, they gave me a newer meaning, a greater strength, a crazier madness. But the madness brought with it a maddening fear, a fear of the nothingness, a fear of what is and what can be, a fear of what should be and what shouldn’t be, of what will be…The choices it presented me stultified me to the core. I was the One, but rendered ineffective as every second progressed, a failure amongst my own people, a failure that would eventually destroy me by my own people, a failure to the honor of being chosen. “I am the meat I feed the beast….” Unleashing hell, not on the earth, not me, it couldn’t be, couldn’t be me, for I was the chosen One, but hell within me, destroying my own soul, though I didn’t realize it, the world I saw was made by the poison in me. I cried till I couldn’t anymore, numbness engulfing me, numbness in the pain, numbness of the forgotten glory, but no numbness in fear…it multiplied with stupefying speed, adding exponentially to the pain that I didn’t feel, gnawing my way from the inside, my outsides caving in, with the numbness, that’s how I felt…