Great day!
I had a wonderful day today. I had a great chat with a classmate which gave me a renewed sense of working with dedication on my engineering degree. I had three lectures today, a lot of listening and writing, by the end of which I had to take a nicotine gum as I was getting anxious, a starting sign for getting paranoid. I then hanged around with friends, finishing my last nicotine gum, and slowly losing a sense of the reality around me. I’ve often felt it, every time before I become paranoid. The marker of the beginning my paranoia is that I become aloof, my gaze shifting from the chattering around me, to the thoughts going in inside my head. It’s the start of heeding to my own thoughts, which gain momentum to become unstoppable, commanding voices; voices which I try not to heed to. I had to take two cigarettes since my gum was over.
On another note, I just had an insight into my philosophy – Everything that you are, is the state of your mind. I believed this during my undiagnosed times, because the emotions, the decisions, the judgments, are all based on the activities of the mind; constant playing around to take control, judge and categorize people, display anger, hatred, fear, love, emotions which are a product of the mind. But now, as I read (and believe) in Krishnamurti, I see that that is why, leaving only a select few, the whole world is constantly in conflict with others, in conflict with themselves; for they are all judging, categorizing, trying to dominate, be possessive, jealous, have hatred…Paraphrasing Krishnamurti, what the people need is to attain utter silence of the mind, which cannot be brought by any means, but only by making the mind reach beyond its tether. And I see that growing up with this illness and coming out of it, I have grown from categorizing people, to living with the fact that everyone is trying for the betterment through all the conflict; and ultimately, the conflict ends when everyone realizes that “everything that you are is the state of your heart”.
This heart doesn’t correspond to the organ, neither does it relate to the brain, the consciousness, nor to the mind of a single person. It corresponds to the noosphere, the sphere of human consciousness and its influence on the biosphere, and ultimately, to the ultimate consciousness, when the mind reaches beyond its tether.
Posted by puzli at August 23, 2005 05:16 PM
Wow, Puzli. Thanks for sharing your profound insight. I think my day has gone from great to greater just reading your inspiring post.
Most philosophers I admire seem to value "mindfulness". Mindfulness of how you feel, what you are thinking and doing, without judging the behavior as bad or good, but simply being aware of it and of your self, as if you were observing yourself on the outside while living yourself, too. It seems like you were highly aware today, in sensing your feelings paranoia and observing in detail how you reacted.
Laurie
Posted by: Laurie at August 23, 2005 11:02 PM
Wow, Puzli. Thanks for sharing your profound insight. I think my day has gone from great to greater just reading your inspiring post.
Most philosophers I admire seem to value "mindfulness". Mindfulness of how you feel, what you are thinking and doing, without judging the behavior as bad or good, but simply being aware of it and of your self, as if you were observing yourself on the outside while living yourself, too. It seems like you were highly aware today, in sensing your feelings paranoia and observing in detail how you reacted.
Laurie
Posted by: Laurie at August 23, 2005 11:02 PM