Money & phone calls
I’ve always been paranoid of being without money. This sense of insecurity stemmed partly due to my dad’s financial crisis, and a lot due to my constant plans to run away from home and then being without money and a job. The consequences of thinking about this seemed to bring about a futility in the need for existence. This was fuelled every time when the phone bill was too high and I got blamed for it, without my fault. Even now, when my mom tells me to keep my phone call short, this sense of insecurity rises from its hidden caves beneath my skin, making the hair stand all over. But now, as I was told the same again by my mom, I realize her sense of concern, and I talked it out with her as to why she keeps on telling me even when I know about the financial situation. I would talk for a long time even when I knew the financial situation for it is one of the things that keep me sane. It is the only thing I’m spending money on these days.
Posted by puzli at May 21, 2006 08:41 AM
Hi Puzli,
It sounds like you struggle with the same issues I do as a college student working with severe mental illness. I had a long psychotic break (4-5 months) triggered in part by child abuse memories coming up during a Buddhist Meditation retreat. I have multiple issues - like you do - though a lot of what i struggle with lately is more my PTSD complications. It is astonishing to me how similar so many of our experiences are - the voices, visions, themes, emotions, delusions - and not only the form but the content. Like you my life is both unbelievably rich and simultaneously excruciating. I see a shrink every week - and i have absolutely benefitted from allopathic medications at various times. All this aside I often struggle with the fact that despite all of the above - i have no doubt that there is more to the visions, convictions, archetypal awareness which occurs in psychosis than just the reductionistic biological perspective. By making the previous statement I'm not saying that what we call "mental illness" doesn't savage our ability to function in our lives and cause us and our families huge pain. I'm just saying that I have had so many experiences so much like those you have and I struggle with how to reconcile the fact that though it is clear to me that despite the fact that people like us get a double dose of delusion - I have no doubt that it is shot through in places with real insight. Our challenge I feel is how to syncretize the views of an R.D. Lang or a John Weir Perry on psychosis - with the harsh, and lets face it, often depressing and chaotic state of our lives. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not at all alone in your experiences and your openess in this blog is very helpful to me.
Here is a link to a really thoght provoking author:
http://spiritualrecoveries.blogspot.com/2006/05/dr-richard-gosden-controversies-over.html
All that aside please take care of yourself and keep swimming (:
Cheers!
Lindsey
Posted by: ditchwitch at May 23, 2006 04:12 PM
You say your dad's fianances are not sound.You understand that.But you are addicted to telephone talking.The parents are indulgent to you because of your sickness.Do you want to take advantage of them this way.Why not be fighter and help in your dads finances in some way.
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Posted by: vsnfasmf at August 28, 2007 05:59 PM
Hi Puzli,
It sounds like you struggle with the same issues I do as a college student working with severe mental illness. I had a long psychotic break (4-5 months) triggered in part by child abuse memories coming up during a Buddhist Meditation retreat. I have multiple issues - like you do - though a lot of what i struggle with lately is more my PTSD complications. It is astonishing to me how similar so many of our experiences are - the voices, visions, themes, emotions, delusions - and not only the form but the content. Like you my life is both unbelievably rich and simultaneously excruciating. I see a shrink every week - and i have absolutely benefitted from allopathic medications at various times. All this aside I often struggle with the fact that despite all of the above - i have no doubt that there is more to the visions, convictions, archetypal awareness which occurs in psychosis than just the reductionistic biological perspective. By making the previous statement I'm not saying that what we call "mental illness" doesn't savage our ability to function in our lives and cause us and our families huge pain. I'm just saying that I have had so many experiences so much like those you have and I struggle with how to reconcile the fact that though it is clear to me that despite the fact that people like us get a double dose of delusion - I have no doubt that it is shot through in places with real insight. Our challenge I feel is how to syncretize the views of an R.D. Lang or a John Weir Perry on psychosis - with the harsh, and lets face it, often depressing and chaotic state of our lives. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not at all alone in your experiences and your openess in this blog is very helpful to me.
Here is a link to a really thoght provoking author:
http://spiritualrecoveries.blogspot.com/2006/05/dr-richard-gosden-controversies-over.html
All that aside please take care of yourself and keep swimming (:
Cheers!
Lindsey
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