State of Mind

Paranoia again...

It is exhausting...this effort to write, to speak, when all I want to do is lie down, do nothing, i'm tired. If i speak, i get paranoid. This lack of motivation is so strong that i have stopped brushing my teeth, stopped taking a bath...i force myself to...and now that this asshole came and I had to talk to him, trying to seem all normal, the paranoia gnawing its way through the surface, it comes back, hits with the force of a running elephant, it comes out with even more of its vile characteristics, and all the time, the past 3 days that it took to bring the paranoia under control are down the drain, i'm back where i began...i'm tired now...all the make believe world of the normal make me scream silently, like many of us, we are bound by it, dead and broken...

Paranoia

I wrote this poem a couple of days back when I got some respite from my paranoia. I had been reading a spiritual book by Eknath Easwaran, and it made me cry. The rest is pretty much understandable.

I feel a sense
of utter confusion,
life and death
i cannot decide

i pull myself down
to stick to death
crying my heart out
there is no regret

but i am still
in dual confusion
state of mind
all of it delusion

paranoia creeps in
i know how it feels
but i dont know
how to deal again

the voices shout-
kill yourself,
there is no more
life-in-you left

all will try
to bring you down
you will be left
a sullen clown
anger and belittling
is all they will do.

now my mind
shoots back in time,
remembering the voices
they shouted at me

my own people
trying to bring me down
what am i
if not a sullen clown?

innocent i was
only to forget
that alone in the field
i was left.

i had turned myself
into the One,
to kill them all
one by one

bring them down
before me they do,
my own people...

as long as they
are a part of the system
they are agents
The Matrix never forgotten.

and as these thoughts
flash in my mind
the time slips by
i'm running out behind

i try to decide
in utter confusion
life or death
death, there is no confusion

but i'm too
unfit to decide
how to do it
how to run wild

lose in my
own territory
the pack of wolves
thrown out at me

i cannot see
what lies ahead of me
those talking students
never knowing how it is to be.

but all those bastards
i feel that they are
are good for nothing
not a part of it they are.

my own delusions
i now realize
are keeping me from seeing
right in their eyes.

i slump down
in my back seat,
i dont want to see his face
all i want is peace

and then i close
my eyes and it seems
that the thoughts running out
are all against Me

what i wanted to be
and fought for all that time
i was losing the battle
i was running out of time

i let them all be
the voices that they were
i knew the med change
it was doing this to me.

so i kept on walking
even as i shouted back
to those belittling voices
back in my head.

those voices are not just
something that i could remember
phantasmagorical thoughts
they come asunder

and all i can do
is sit in my chair
now that i'm back home
in front of the computer again.

i listen to my mom
she asks me how i do
i nod my head
as she sees that i'm screwed.

and so i lie
with my back on the bed
tears flowing down
still no regrets

Eknath Easwaran
i read him all this day
crying against my will
i come back again.

and all this life
needs me i know
after i read
all my friends notes

on the web board
they shout at me
why do you want to end your life
and set yourself free?

you will go to hell
one of them describes
its not a good place
evil he describes

and as the days
they pass me by
i read more on spirituality
i abide

i cry through it all
i'm weakened i see
i've to face it all
with a smile again

and as the meds
start to sink in
my brain responds
i'm in glee that it did

i breathe again
no more tears
as i read Sri Sri
all away are my fears

and now i can face
the world i think
with a smile
and a naughty wink;)

and so i dissolve
into myself
even as i see
a few in the hospital bed

their names i cannot
ever reveal
but they are my friends
and pray for them i did

now i say a final adieu
to this piece
its time to go

and so i will
write again
a piece hopefully
stronger in pain.

Puzli
28/8/04 1828 hrs.