State of Mind

Fight your own battle

The other day, I was also talking to a friend of mine who didn't clear 2 exams out of the 10 he gave. He was feeling a bit low. I told him that he wasn't so sad last semester when he didn't clear 4 papers, and he said that " till when will this go on happening...". I said look at me, I am repeating the whole year because i couldn't clear my previous exams! And he blurted out, "yours is a different story..." I stopped myself from saying anything further, but I wish I had. I wanted to tell him that why do you think I'm any different in my feelings. Even I wanted to clear my exams. I wanted to move on to the next year. I'm battling with this illness and it doesn't mean that I don't have any aspirations like he has. I can't just accept as easily that I will be left behind with failures, that I cannot carry on like they can. How does he expect me to feel different with no options in front of me. I am one of them, no matter how erroneous his thinking...Finally, I told him that "everyone has to fight their own battles..."

Confused

I am repeating my 2nd year in college. In the process, I've lost my friends to the next year. It is only now after a whole semester in this year that I've started interacting with people in my current class. Today I and my old friends got together for a party. There was also a guy from my current batch and he jokingly told me that if I drank, I would fall prey to some illness. Now, I hadn't told this guy about my illness, and I guessed that my friends had since his comment had that tone. But I took it in my stride and carried on to drink.

I've been in a complete tumultous state of mind this past week. I've been thinking about my conditioning, my past behaviour, based on past thoughts, my decisions based on my meaning of good and bad, my meaning of the glorious and the depraved. My level of acceptance of behaviour I thought belittling has changed over the years. I've seen that maybe this is the way my friends from school also behaved, but I was too ill to take notice as I had grandiose delusions about their existence.

The way that guy from my class passed that comment at me jokingly
today left me unmoved, but it has only added to my confusion...hmmm...After writing this though, I believe that I should
be open to laughing at jokes at me, but should stand up against people if they ridicule me and other with this illness...(still confused about a lot of other things...) lets see when the sky becomes clear...

Openness and delusion

I just realized how much I've changed for the better over the past years. I've changed in many respects but I just realized one of the ways. I have been open about my illness throughout. I wanted people to know about it, and not sneer at me. Whenever I thought of telling people, I always had the feeling that no matter what their response, I am the One and I know who I Am, so even if they sneer at me, I shouldn't get depressed. Now I know that it was just a grandiose delusion. However, I have come to the point where I still don't mind telling people, but now I accept that some people might not respond the way I want them to, but this is life, and everyone has their own opinions, I might not be able to change them, but I've to live respecting everyone, just to give them a 'second chance'. I (think I)no longer get depressed telling people about it, or watching them make fun of me (though it rarely happens when I tell people). Most of the people are receptive and react compassionately. Another thing that my friend pointed out to me is that maybe we only tell people who we judge will respect our feelings.