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I had a wonderful day today. I had a great chat with a classmate which gave me a renewed sense of working with dedication on my engineering degree. I had three lectures today, a lot of listening and writing, by the end of which I had to take a nicotine gum as I was getting anxious, a starting sign for getting paranoid. I then hanged around with friends, finishing my last nicotine gum, and slowly losing a sense of the reality around me. I’ve often felt it, every time before I become paranoid. The marker of the beginning my paranoia is that I become aloof, my gaze shifting from the chattering around me, to the thoughts going in inside my head. It’s the start of heeding to my own thoughts, which gain momentum to become unstoppable, commanding voices; voices which I try not to heed to. I had to take two cigarettes since my gum was over.
On another note, I just had an insight into my philosophy – Everything that you are, is the state of your mind. I believed this during my undiagnosed times, because the emotions, the decisions, the judgments, are all based on the activities of the mind; constant playing around to take control, judge and categorize people, display anger, hatred, fear, love, emotions which are a product of the mind. But now, as I read (and believe) in Krishnamurti, I see that that is why, leaving only a select few, the whole world is constantly in conflict with others, in conflict with themselves; for they are all judging, categorizing, trying to dominate, be possessive, jealous, have hatred…Paraphrasing Krishnamurti, what the people need is to attain utter silence of the mind, which cannot be brought by any means, but only by making the mind reach beyond its tether. And I see that growing up with this illness and coming out of it, I have grown from categorizing people, to living with the fact that everyone is trying for the betterment through all the conflict; and ultimately, the conflict ends when everyone realizes that “everything that you are is the state of your heart”.
This heart doesn’t correspond to the organ, neither does it relate to the brain, the consciousness, nor to the mind of a single person. It corresponds to the noosphere, the sphere of human consciousness and its influence on the biosphere, and ultimately, to the ultimate consciousness, when the mind reaches beyond its tether.
A couple of days ago, I had gone shopping for sweets for an oncoming festival. I was walking down the road, and as usual, was checking whether my cellphone and wallet were with me and had not been stolen, due to slight paranoia and mainly compulsions. I told myself that I won't do it anymore, and I didn't. I walked into the jam packed shop to do my purchasing, and came out with the stuff. My pocket was feeling lighter...my phone had been stolen!
It has been a long time! My exam results are out, and I didn't clear one paper, cleared the rest of them:) Am happy with it.
Besides that, I've been doing good. Still a couple of weeks before college starts in full swing. Have been lazing around since the past week, and working on the editing a bit.
That's about all right now. Will keep you all posted.