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I was supposed to meet up with one of the friends I had made at the seminar, though she was supposed to call me to confirm the meet. However, she didn't call me even when I messaged her, and finally I had to call her up myself. Later during the day, I messaged her to know whether I was being a pain to her as she hadn't called up herself. She called me back saying that she was too busy to call, and I asked her to straight away tell me on my face whenever I was becoming a pain (to which she replied that she was very blunt, so I don't have to worry about it), and that I should stop thinking such stupid things.
Anyways, as usual, I tried to analyze why I had this sense of insecurity. Was it because my friends actually hide what they exactly feel about my antics? I realized not, for they could be more blunt than anyone I have ever met. So why this sense of insecurity? The answer was there before me since a long time, but I wasn't ready to acknowledge it. It's this instinctive feeling that comes with every new relationship that I make (every time). The Bourne in me is awakened. People I love have to be protected at every cost (including the cost of my life). There cannot be any mistakes. The reply has to be timed perfectly. There can be no delays. If there are, then something has gone wrong. Something that wasn't supposed to go wrong. You make a mistake, and you are dead. Why hadn't she called me up as she had said she would? There are two possibilities - Either she is in trouble (for something has implicitly gone wrong), or she has turned (which means that I'm now a 'pain', and now the one to be hunted by my own people). In either way, no matter how romantic the situation looks (to some), the fear is still ingrained, deep down inside of me. As always, Metallica - "...still alive through the raging war, gone insane with this pain that they surely know..."
The residues of my past don't let me forget it!
The past four days have been enlightening, and at the same time elevating. I attended a residential seminar titled LACS (Liberty, Art, and Culture Seminar) organized by the NGO CCS (Center for Civil Society). Over the hectic four days where the intellectual sessions started from 9 a.m. and continued till 10 p.m. (with a half an hour break between each 2 hours), we interacted with people from diverse fields like economics, politics, law, sexuality, to discuss on sexual freedom, personal freedom, political freedom, artistic freedom, and economic freedom! It was a mind blowing experience, and the best thing was that I lived through it without falling ill, which I think is because I had people to interact with who had "made the same choices" as I had ;)
I not only interacted with the professors there, but also conversed with people who had the same open mind with the urge to change (inside and outside) by questioning, and I got to know some really cool people. I especially got really close to one girl not only because we shared our cigarette breaks together, but also because we had a lot to share on a personal, spiritual, and intellectual level. I feel as if I have been given a new life, have been reincarnated, with the strength to fight for change (something which I was in conflict with as in the last blog post). But I would also like to quote what I believe in, as what one of the speakers said there, that after so many years of his life he realized that the only people in which we can bring about a change in is ourselves.
Carpe Diem!
It is a conflict. On one hand, I want to change people, try to ‘free’ their minds, make them see the truth, but due to my experiences and illness, cannot sum up the courage to battle in the debate. On the other hand, I realize that some people are not ready to change. They won’t accept the truth. People cannot see past the choices they understand, and hence they are not ready to hear the truth. As the Oracle says, “Know thyself”. Then I try to think of what people need to hear in order to change. But when I start thinking in those terms, I get back the urge to fight for the choice I’ve made, and that makes me mentally unstable, anxious. So I keep quiet. But that makes me depressed. So I try to be with the ones who will understand, who have made the same choices. The conflict, still remains.