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I was just reading through one of my earlier posts, and I discovered what seemed to be a contradiction in Krishnamurti's philosophy -
"Anger has that peculiar quality of isolation; like sorrow, it cuts one off, and for the time being, at least, all relationship comes to an end. Anger has the temporary strength and vitality of the isolated. There is strange despair in anger; for isolation is despair."
At first I thought that he had made a mistake when he used the term "isolation" by relating it to "despair". (read my previous post to know how Krishnamurti defines isolation). But then I knew that Krishnamurti always says that one has to be really careful with words. So how could he make such a mistake? How could isolation be a case of despair, of losing hope? And how could "Anger is better than despair" be true as basic human psychology says (i got this info from Terminator 3)
But then I tried to recall what he said about hope. According to him, and I completely agree, hope implies a feeling and thought of something better, a self-projected image of how things might be in the future, a wishful thinking, a faith...basically not living in the present, in the unknown, trying to find security by believing in the known, which is not in the present. So isolation and despair are actually the same thing!!
But then what about "anger is better than despair"? Where does it go wrong if anger and despair are the same? Psychology lacks the insight into the duality and the oneness, the truth. It doesn't realize that people will still remain in conflict if they do not understand its reason. And hence they will keep on oscillating within the duality of hope, (which is despair) and sadness (which is conflict). But then, one has to consider, as I repeatedly say, what a person needs to hear to survive, something that might not be the truth. And that is where psychology is helpful.
Interestingly, anger arises from conflict. And only in the isolation that follows can there come about true love, and that is when a relationship is established that actually allows one to commune.
She asked me whether my parents were not 'cool', conservative, and that is why I had started feeling paranoid about them.
I do not know. No. It was a slow progression. I wanted to tell her that they were trying to mould me into what they wanted me to be. Restricting my own thoughts, ideas, personal freedom. And I became a rebel. The hormones had also kicked in. There was anger, lots of anger, sadness, with love, mixed emotions. I would fight with them for doing my own thing. The paranoia took its own course based on that.
"I was down with fever and I feel so lethargic, so much physical pain. How did you survive with so much more, including the mental anguish?"
Well, I barely slept for 2 whole years. Only 2 hours everyday. I was over-fatigued. But the urge to do, the thought that I was the chosen one, only I could save the world, was so strong, that I had the will to fight, to carry on. Also, the feeling of pain is diminished when one has schizophrenia.
"So that is cool eh!"
Well, in one way it is. But interestingly, a lot of schizophrenics already diagnosed die due to undiagnosed physical ailments because they couldn't feel the pain.
We went on to talk about spirituality - You know, there's a difference between being alone and being isolated. You may be completely secluded, with no one around, and still not feel lonely. That feeling of aloneness is not there.
"Yeah!:) Exactly! I want to be alone, with myself, and I don't feel lonely, even though I'm completely isolated."
It's the urge for liberty that drives me, that still fuels me. And it all started back then. And it is beautifully summarized by the songs I used to listened back then, again, Metallica, the first album of theirs that I bought - Ride the Lightning. From it, "Escape" -
Escape - (Metallica - Ride the Lightning)
Feel no pain, but my life ain't easy
I know I'm my best friend
No one cares, but I'm so much stronger
I'll fight until the end
To escape from the true false world
Undamaged destiny
Can't get caught in the endless circle
Ring of stupidity
chorus:
Out of my own, out to be free
One with my mind, they just can't see
No need to hear things that they say
Life is for my own to live my own way
Rape my mind and destroy my feelings
Don't tell me what to do
I don't care now, 'cause I'm on my side
And I can see through you
Feed my brain with your so called standards
Who says that I ain't right
Break away from your common fashion
See through your blurry sight
chorus:
See they try to bring the hammer down
No damn chains can hold me to the ground
Life is for my own to live my own way…
(Source: http://lyrics.rockmagic.net/lyrics/metallica/)
"There is nothing worse than being enslaved by your own mind." - Puzli
Every step towards recovery brings with it new problems of dealing with the 'you' that is not ill. For me, as I'm getting better, I am so excited with so many things on my mind that I want to do, that I don't feel like sleeping at all. I try to keep working, and when I'm physically exhausted, I keep on planning the zillion things in my mind that I have to do and fall asleep early morning when my thoughts become completely disoriented and my brain cells go to sleep themselves! I visited my doc and he told me that I need to make a conscious effort to sleep, and that's what I've been trying to do.
I asked my doc a couple of questions, one being, whether schizophrenics use 30% of their brain as compared to 10% of the normals, as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, and he was too tired to go into technical details as it was late during the night, but he told me that these tests are not specific and the results cannot be calculated with a great accuracy - basically these are statistics which cannot be trusted as being completely accurate or true.
She was cool about discussing her relationships. That is why I told her what I wanted to tell her. She had made the choice to talk about it. The other one had not. I discuss about my illness too with everyone. Well, at least everyone I feel who is ready to listen.
“Does that also mean that they are ready to accept it, and that is why you discuss it with them and them alone? The question here is – “how do you define when a person is ready?”
The answer is that – “when the person agrees to disagree”.
I told him about my smoking and drinking, and he went on to enquire in surprised shock about any red-light incidents and drugs. He seemed to be shocked, but trying to ‘cool’ about it. He may have totally despised it at a personal level, disagreed with it. But he was ready to listen to me and disagree with me (and still live in peace). He was trying to break out of the restrictions, trying to be free.
“But most people are not ready to do that, and how do we change them? When is time too short to tell them what they are not ready to hear?”
We present them with choices that they are ready to make. And they cannot look beyond the choices they have already made. At a certain time, some people may not be ready to listen, and some might be. You present them the choice, and the element of chance comes into play; fight or flight, they will have to make a choice.
I had a talk with my friend a couple of days ago about how easy it was for him to study in pairs. And I told him that even I find it really effective to study by reciting the stuff to another person. But I can't study in pairs as I haven't found a suitable friend with whom I can sit and study. Anyways...I realized that when I used to study earlier by consciously explaining the theoretical concepts in my mind, I would start interacting with the 'voice' again. I would start talking in 3rd person, or 'he' started talking back to me in my mind. So I had stopped doing that, and it made it a bit difficult for me to remember a lot of theory. So now I have decided that I do need to consciously make another effort to 'stay in the present' all the time while explaining stuff in my mind as if I was going to ask a question or be asked one immediately, so that the 3rd person voice does not start again.
I finally understood today, after going back to my past memories, the reason why, within a year of their diagnosis, schizophrenics go into depression, and kill themselves even when they are on the road to recovery.
After a year of being on meds, and living in hostel, I had recovered to the extent that I was functioning well, could utilize my time efficiently and productively. And I realized that I had my limits of functioning without getting stressed out, the feeling that brings with it a degree of 'tuning out' from the environment, but with enough of my own thoughts (not the voices), so that I knew and wanted to do more, but couldn't make myself do it. My depression had started. I also found out that I had schizophrenia. I had already seen 'A Beautiful Mind', and tried to make sense of my past which I couldn't believe was a fantasy world, a nightmarish fantasy. I would lie in my bed the whole day and not attend classes. My roommates would ask me why I wasn't attending classes. They would go out in the evenings, and I would still lie in bed, staring at nothing, completely tuned out, but still having the urge to do things that I still wasn't able to do. In one incident, I remember how my friends knew how fast my reflexes were, and how I still didn't move when one of them threw a huge padlock at my face. He suggested that someone should stay with me in case I tried to kill myself.
A year passed by, with my anti-depressants being increased from the minimum to the maximum allowable limit. I had made a lot of sense of my own 'thoughts', and realized the fallibility of my senses, the inconsolable truth of my illness. I failed my academic year, which resulted in another constant cycle of stress, paranoia, and depression, and going in and out of my suicidal mode. It was only when I changed my doc, and he started adjusting my dosages every week, that I finally started getting better.
I'm still on a high dosage of anti-depressants, but functioning well. Support from my friends over here and offline have played a major role in getting me back on track, as has reading Krishnamurti. That feeling of not achieving anything, of not passing my own expectations has died down, (not suppressed), with the help of my doc. It doesn't matter whether you have to live up to your own expectations or not, leave aside others'. The futility of this existential dilemma is so clear now. As they say explicitly in 'Art of Living', (though not with as clear with an explanation, for it can only be experienced, and not understood through logic), "Expectations reduce joy". Up till a few weeks ago, I was still living this existence which I knew was worth living, but in which I was still feeling isolated (not lonely), and the seminar I attended, (which I mentioned in an earlier post), and the friends I made over there, rekindled my passion for life, which had been obscured since my depressive episode. I must leave abruptly now, for I don't feel like writing anymore. Carpe Diem! In Liberty.