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Its the same old shit. He would start scolding me. It would become a fight. Of all the shit he said, he wouldn't even later acknowledge. Mom who listened to it all never supported. sister always had enuff problems to flee away. I was left with more shit to deal with.
goddamn it. leave me alone. my own people tried to destroy me and then again try to get me closer to them emotionally and the whole cycle would repeat.
I can survive alone. i dont need anyone. and if u want to continue this way. so be it. kill or be killed. so be it.
I am not in a creative mode. Wrote a couply of crappy poems. Here's "The Outlaw Torn" by Metallica that describes my current state. The 'you' here is referring to the inner me...
The Outlaw Torn
You know I wait my whole lifetime for you
I ride the dirt I ride the tide for you
I search the outside search inside for you
To take back what you left me
I know I'll always burn to be
No one seeks so I may find
And now I wait my whole lifetime
My whole lifetime
So on I wait my whole lifetime for you
So on I wait my whole lifetime for you
The more I search the more my need for you
The more I blast the more I bleed for you
You make me smash the clock and feel
I'd rather die behind the wheel
Time was never on my side
So on I wait my whole lifetime
My whole lifetime
And I'm torn
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
And if my face becomes sincere
Beware
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
And when you see me stretched remind me of what left this
outlaw torn
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
And if my face becomes sincere
Beware
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
And when you see me stretched remind me of what left this
outlaw torn
[source: www.atozlyrics.com]
I don't feel like turning 23. That's tomorrow. Adios amigos! I hope I do win. One way or the other.
It has been a tough time. With a minimal dosage of haloperidol, and yet no paranoia. I think i'm moving towards bipolar. I relied on the voices so much, for so long, that now, without them, I feel a void inside me. Whenever I needed some help, I would start talking to him. And I would get my answers. It gave me whatever I needed to know, be it good or bad. It was there to help me chalk out my plans, to accept survival and how, or whether to reject it. Without it, without him, I couldn't even think about doing anything. I knew I had someone to fall back on. That fight is no more valid. I needed to be myself and work things out. But that too, seemed ironic. I'm in a state as I was earlier, when I had just joined college, living in the hostel. No friends, no contacts, building up new relationships, and most importantly, being with myself.
My friend has been helping me get over this dilemma of no more voices. I know now that there are friends and family to help me out, but I also realize the extent to which they can help. Ultimately, metallica again "...[I am]by myself, but not alone..." ...."no one but me can save myself but its too late..." I don't know whether the Bourne is still alive in me or not. I don't know if it can ever be laid to rest. But with or without myself, I know that life must go on.
One of the things that I was completely unprepared for during my stay at the hospital was memory loss. I had been put on around 10 medications day and night that for the 8 days I stayed there, I recall a few bits and pieces only. I don't remember all the day care activities like dancing, singing, drama practices they made me do. I don't remember whether my mom used to come alone or with my dad to visit me. I took my phone inside with the pretext that my books were on it in digital form, and I don't remember more than 5 hours of talks I had with my friends during that time, but I have the calls recorded on my phone so I have something to listen to in order to remind me if it does happen. However, it was all worth the stay there!
I didn't give my exams and will be repeating the year.
I was having trouble walking down the stairs as I felt weak and had to take support from the railing. This little observation made my doc really happy as he told me that I'm stabilizing and he reduced my haloperidol. Another conversation with my doc led me to tell him that this friend who had a similar problem was calling me up and I was not responding as I didn't feel like talking to him about his problems. He told me that that is a good thing to do. He told me that I need to conserve my own emotional resources as I needed to stabilize. It's like, he remembered his psychotherapy professor telling him, that you can feed a dog only if you have food in your own pockets (or another similar analogy). You cannot feed a dog when you don't have any food on you. I think that that is one major problem that we encounter. We are most of the times caught up in our own emotional turmoil and still try to help other's out to the extent that we use up all our emotional resources and fall sick again.
A couple of days ago I came back from bangalore, a city in southern India, far away from the capital of the India, Delhi, where I reside. I had gone there for a workshop on the research project my sister and I are working on together. It was a great experience, and I learnt the little that I could understand from the dense essays that we had to present. My sister had been doing all the research by herself all this time as I wasn't keeping well, and so, I got so anxious (I realize now that that was what it was) by the last day that I felt so weak not knowing anything about our research results and got a bit paranoid that I slept through the presentation of our draft. My sister told our mentors that I had food poisoning and presented the draft herself.
It was a 3 day seminar and we were in bangalore for 4 days. We were surprised to see that the city has such a big reading culture that there was a 3-storeyed building of second-hand books called Blossoms, along with numerous other small stores on the same street. We spent all our money on buying second-hand books to the extent that we had to borrow more money from mom to pay for our transport when we reached home!
I'm now trying to focus on studying the 3 carry over papers that I'll have to give this semester along with the regular papers. Man, I hate studying these books that i've studied so many times and not cleared, mainly because they have got a lot to remember, which is something that I have trouble doing. I know I just need a good strategy to work this out. Hail Puzli :P ;)